Dear Jon,
I've been meaning to write this letter for a long time to be honest. We had a lesson in relief society the other day that made me think about you and me and I wish I had written it then. But at the same time, I kind of like that I'm writing it on this blog. Dad warned me not to write anything too personal on here since it's out there for the world to see, but I don't think this is something I necessarily want to hide, although it's very personal.
You and I both know we haven't had a very good relationship over the years. We've had our ups and downs and I think the ups outweigh the downs, but unfortunately the downs are pretty pronounced. It's possible it was only coming from my side, but I don't think so. For a long time I've said that I just wanted you to change and to be who I wanted you to be and I realize now that I was wrong for thinking that. The thing is, I really don't want you to cange. Obviously there's things that we can all work on, so of course I want you to change the things YOU want you to change in order to be a better person. BUT I don't want you to change the core things of who you are. The truth is, you're an incredible person. You're incredibly talented, incredibly smart and incredibly incredible. Ha. There are simple a thousand reasons why you're amazing and I have done a horrible job highlighting those to other people. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I actively tell people you're horrible, but I don't actively enough tell them how wonderful you are. And even more importantly, I don't tell you how wonderful I think you are. I hope you know that I think you're amazing. I love more than anything to listen to your music. It's heavenly!
The other thing I wanted to say in this letter is that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not being your bigest fan and for making my issues with you so difficult. I'm sorry for being angry with you for things that I really shouldn't have been angry about. I want you to know the reason why I've felt this way for so long. I've known how incredible you are for your whole life. Remember how mom and dad said I used to follow you around when we were kids and you would feed me your buggars? Yeah, I would eat them because I wanted to do anything you wanted me to do so I could be like you. I know I was jealous of you when you were good at/better at everything! I've known the potential you had for our whole lives. Sometimes, I think you're not living up to that potential and then I get upset. I want you to be the Jon I know and love and the problem is that I'm very unforgiving of your mistakes. Maybe because I always thought you were perfect and when you're not, it makes me sad. How silly is that though? No one's perfect. And I should be the most forgiving of my family's weaknesses. I love my family more than anything, so why would I judge them? Well the answer is, I shouldn't. I've been expecting you to be perfect for years and I shouldn't expect that. I should expect to learn and grow with you and to make mistakes together and figure out how to fix them together. I'm sorry that I haven't been the sister I know I can and should be. I hope you can forgive me for that.
Jon, I love you more than you know. You're my big brother, my only older sibling, and I look up to you so much. I am SO proud of the things you've accomplished in your life and I hope I can continue to be a part of that. I can't wait to see all the things you will do in your future! You are an incredible man and I know you'll find the perfect woman to be your partner in life. I hope I can be best friends with her. Thank you for being my brother and for always making me feel loved. Thank you for being someone I can look up to. And thank you for loving me inspite of my shortcomings.
I love you Jonathan!
Love,
Jess
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