I haven't posted in a LONG time, and for that I'm sorry. I really like using this as a journal of sorts, but i've never been good at writing in journals. I take that back, when I was in high school, I wrote ALL the time. But it's been a long time since high school. ha. And sadly enough, a lot more important things have happened since then, but i chose to record the less important things. ha. Oh well. I guess it's all important.
ANYWAY, so this morning I had A LOT on my mind. ha. There are a lot of feelings associated with all of it and I'm trying to make sense of it all. I'm not even sure how to define all these feelings so I figure if I write them down, in a place where some one else might read them, I can be honest with myself, and see how silly some of my feelings might be. Ha. I don't mean they're wrong, because no feelings are ever wrong. They may be misplaced, but they're never wrong. So let's see if I can make any sense of this.
How do you deal with dissapointment? Or should I even be dissapointed? I'm the first one to say don't get offended if offense isn't meant, but some how I find myself offended, and dissapointed. There are a few people in my life that I look up to, and when they aren't perfect, I get upset. Unnecessarily upset. Maybe some back story would help...
Last year, my favorite couple in the world got divorced. It was very randomly sprung on me and a complete shock. I had no idea this couple even had problems! I mean, everyone has problems, but I never, in a million years, thought this couple would get divorced. And it came after my brother had just barely been divorced. I had a HARD time dealing with that cuz of a lot of issues I have with my brother, ha, but it got a lot worse when this couple decided it was time to be done. The thing is, I know they would never do it unless they really believed it was the right thing to do, but I always thought there were very, very, very few reason why it would ever be right to get divorced. Anyway, my little world was shattered last summer and I cried to my favorite aunt and uncle and I realized it was really my fault for being upset. I hardly ever get truely angry. Upset? All the time. ha. But angry? Not really. However, in this case, I think i was truely angry. And why?! I should be loving these people, not judging them for their mistakes. But I had put all my trust in Happily Ever After on them, and now it was ruined. But that's not fair of me to say of them, is it?! I just don't know! It was so confusing. And it still kind of is. I don't make a whole lot of sense to even myself. ha
So what does this have to do with now? Well, the passed few months, I've been sending out a little scripture/spritual thought in a text message every day. I send it to a lot of people, like 40, and most of them really like it. In fact, most of them thank me for it. I don't do it for that though. I do it because at Education week, some one suggested that we do things like that, and we were reminded that the General Authorities have been pushing us to share the gospel in our multimedia outlets in any way we can, so here's my way of doing it. So last weekend, a friend of mine (one of those people I used to look up to) told me she didn't want me to send those messages anymore. She said it was distracting to her and her efforts to raise her children, and that she felt I was being pushy and nto allowing her to worship the way she wanted to. She said she wanted to worship her own way, with her family, in private and that she didn't need me to tell her what to do or how to worship. I got really upset by this. Probably a lot more than I should have, and if you're reading this, I apologize for getting upset.
But let me explain why I was so upset. I never meant to be pushy on anyone. I was just trying to fulfill a request from the prophets, do my part in spreading the gospel and maybe I could say something one day that some one else needed to hear. Not to mention, it's a way for me to explore the scriptures and get a good thought in for myself. I guess I felt like since she was saying No I don't want your daily spriritual thought she was saying she doesn't want me. And I was hurt by that! And then, yesterday, I was told that one member of my favorite couple (see above paragraph :) ) didn't want them either. So that brought all those feelings of almost rejection swelling to the top and nearly brought tears. I know I shouldn't feel this way, because I know these two people don't hate me, but I don't understand why they don't want to participate with my daily thoughts. It's not like i'm preaching repentance, or giving a whole talk every day. It's just one scripture! I guess it's because I expect more out of these people and they've been giving me less than i want.. but that's not fair of me to say. Who am I to judge them? Maybe they do have legitimate reasons for not wanting to participate, and who I am to say their reasons aren't good. I'm not there in their life to know what's really going on. I should be there no matter what and be able to respect their wishes.
But somehow, I'm hurt. And I bring up all the old thoughts of everything i can remember that went wrong and then i'm even more upset. So, I guess my question is how do you not do that? How can you seperate what someone did in the past to what they're doing right now? And how do I follow my own advice of not getting offended when offense isn't really meant? I think it has something to do with true forgiveness. I need to forgive this perfect couple for making that mistake, and stop thinking that it had anything to do with me. I don't think I ever thought they even thought about me even for one second when they made this choice, ha. But somehow I was personally offended by their actions and I need to not be. So here I am, trying to get over things that aren't even my problems! ha. Sad day, right?